Butterfly Killer
I remember you.
To the child who was made to hurt me in the Monarch program: I wanted to write you this letter to let you know I forgive you. We were children when we first met in the inescapable horror show called Monarch. My name was written with great pomp and circumstance in a fancy logbook each time I was taken there by my father. You stayed there for days at a time wearing white trousers and a white t-shirt. You walked with your head down low, your feet bare on the cold tile floor, your black hair disheveled. They didn’t want you kicking them with shoes on. You always fought back, unlike your brother who was also there. You carried home an envelope of cash that was never used to benefit you and bruises that your mother never noticed. The men who hurt us are long dead or close to it, and their souls will burn in hell for all eternity- I'm sure of it. Do you remember the beatings? I could hear your screams from the other room, the room where they made me wait for you, the room where they said they would fix your broken jaw. Do you remember the drownings? They asked me if I could hear you talking to me in my dreams. I always said no. Do you remember the daylight basement where we stacked blocks on the green pile carpet? I remember you. They sat me at a desk and made me draw pictures of you so I would never forget you. I want you to know I forgive you. You didn’t want to be there either. I know because I could see it in your eyes. Your eyes were filled with soul-wrenching pain. But I saw something else in your eyes, too- compassion, sadness, and regret for what they made you do to me. You were not alone in those moments of terror. I was there, too. We were two children alone, separate but together. Whenever the memories come, and seep through every part of your being and claw your soul out and devour what you are sure is the last surviving piece of your heart, I hope someone is there to catch you and take you away from that horrible place. I hope you are able to forget everything they made you do, and then I hope you are able to forget even me, that child they made you hate and love at the same time.